Friday, September 29, 2006

Extreme Makeover, Do-It-Yourself Edition

I recently was accused of having a mid-life crisis.
Those who know me might think I'm acting a little more strange than usual. Wearing makeup. Being flirty. Socializing. Getting it on more with the old man (OK, tmi.)
But I'm going to let you in on what I've been going through for years: depression.
Some of this is going to sound odd, but that's OK. It all seems odd to me, too.
I met a spiritual/energy healer in 2002. I visit him roughly 2-3 times a year. He has enabled me to get off all my prescription medications (especially the evil Effexor) and get my body working better. I have 75 percent fewer aches and pains. I've slowly lost weight and have kept it off.
He helps get my energy/chi/whateveryouwannacallit going in the right direction, and he tells me things about my life that I need to keep an eye out for. And I've experienced some things that make me think this is more than just a parlor trick. Actually, I don't care what it is ... he has been an interesting and a very positive presence in my life.
It's all very new-agey "Woman, Heal Thyself" kind of stuff.
When I met him, he said I had a lot of anger inside and that I was not in balance with my male and female selves. This was the cause of my depression, which manifested in sleeping too much and generally not doing much at all. No passion about what I did, just going through the motions. And not letting myself enjoy life when things were good (which they've been pretty much all along.)
With an awful lot of work on my part, he said I'd know when I had moved toward balance and again gotten in touch with my female self. (Get your mind out of the gutter.) He says I've been a tomboy (for lack of a better term) since I was young. Not like gay/tomboy, but just un-feminine. I suppose he was spot on: I hated dolls, dresses, other little girls. When I got my period, I tried to hide it. As a child, a lot of my friends were boys, and then I had lots of boyfriends (and the drama really began!) I got a little crazy when I was in my teens and honestly overdid the makeup, the hair, etc. I had no idea what I was doing with all that womanpower. Luckily, I survived relatively unscathed and settled down with a saint.
But I've fallen back into tomboy mode and have really let myself go. The I'll-just-throw-on-a-ballcap-and-be-out-the-door kind of letting go. Can't say I've felt all that attractive in many years. Ricky constantly has told me I am, but he'd usually get a "you're nuts" look from me.
I'm still trying to sort out the "why" of the tomboy thing, but I think it could have something to do with my observations of women and society. Since I was about 3, I've had a strong sense of justice and couldn't understand why I had to be different, act different, look different than my brothers. A born feminist. Yoikes.
Not sure when the tide turned but for the first time in my life I began to like myself, what I've become, who I will become. I'm finally, hallelujah, moving toward being centered. And others seemed to have noticed that I'm more comfortable in my skin. People come up and talk to me now. Before, they seemed to be afraid of me. (Gee, coulda been the permanent scowl.) I smile more. I look people in the eye more. I'm also the one who says "Hi, how are you?" first now.
So, after I've figured out how to put on makeup again, why not be a HOT feminist, right?
I'm growing my hair long again. I want babe hair, dammit. I'm going to have babe hair when I'm an old woman, too. I want to look better in my 40s than I did in my 20s. You know, a MILF with no kids.
Oh, I'm still definitely me. Don't intend to change THAT much.
I'm still the earthy chick who can belch with the best of 'em.
"I am woman, hear me (buuuuuuuuuurp) roar. "

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