Thursday, April 27, 2006

The Night I Saw a Ghost

It was January 1998. One of those breezy, crisp, clear and very dry winter nights we have in Southern California. I was driving home from my newspaper job in Glendale. It was roughly midnight. I'm heading east on the 134 freeway near Eagle Rock, where there's still some open space and you can see the city lights below. I think I see someone running across the freeway, from left to right. I can't really see anything but a gray blur racing across the road. It reaches the shoulder and then I can finally see it better, like a Polaroid picture. It's a man wearing a greenish-brown midlength heavy Army coat, and dark blocky pants. They might even have been bell-bottoms. The rest of him I can't see very well. Then he disappears as he reaches the side of the road. This all happened so fast that I didn't even have time to react and hit the brakes. I turn my head back toward the road ahead of me and I see something I almost can't describe. It's like a big, wispy cloud of cigarette smoke, coming right at me. It's maybe 6-10 feet tall, and not quite as wide. But what was strange is it had what was like twinkling rainbow lights in it, similar to the effect you see on a soap bubble but much more brilliant. I DROVE THROUGH THIS THING. It's like the air was sucked out of my car. I thought about slamming on the brakes but something within me said just stay still. WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT?! It still blows me away. Intuitively I feel it was a moment recorded in time. I feel like the guy was maybe some Vietnam vet who just wasn't right. Maybe drugs. I also feel like a big truck might have been what hit him and that cloud I drove though was the size and shape of what was left of him when the truck made contact (eew). I hope he didn't suffer. But I think he was suffering a lot and maybe finally found peace. I don't know. I feel like it happened some years ago. I don't know why I saw it, though. I left that job shortly after and had only stayed there about 7 weeks. I never felt right there and went back to an old job that was even worse. Maybe stress attracts those sort of experiences. Maybe certain energies attract and transcend time. Energy doesn't expire, afterall.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Smelly Moments in History

This week in Malibu, a construction contractor has been trying to figure out what to do with a 30-foot whale carcass that washed up on shore. “The smell is incredible, each day it gets worse and worse,” he said. The city wasn't much help, so he got some lifeguards help him haul the stinky thing back out to sea today.
A similar situation came up in 1970 but they had a much much more creative way of dealing with it. I had almost forgotten about this one. Humor columnist Dave Barry brought it to my attention some years ago. Oh, and be sure you don't miss this one. Enjoy!

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Surefire comeback plan for Scientologist actors whose careers have hit the skids

OBJECTIVE: Get career back on track after negative press about your "religion."
STEP 1: Get assets back in your name.
STEP 2: Fire your Co$-assigned career manager and any other staff that might have connections to Co$. Stop talking to everyone. Period.
STEP 3: Move.
STEP 4: Contact the IRS with any inside information you might have that will result in Co$ losing its tax-exempt status. This action has two purposes: 1) You will be helping to end a decades-old battle between the IRS and a cult that never should have been granted this unfair subsidy (Matthew 6:24, "You cannot serve God and money.") and 2) Co$ will be too busy dealing with the IRS to be concerned with what you are about to do. Oh, and make sure to get immunity for divulging this information to the IRS.
STEP 5: Hire a new manager you are positive has no ties to Co$.
STEP 6: Contact Rolling Stone or Time magazine and offer an exclusive. They already have a vendetta against Co$. Tell them how you have been manipulated and brainwashed. Tell them about the harmful practices you have witnessed. Tell them how much money you've spent. Tell them how you got out and make a plea to other people in Hollywood to join you in your new-found intellectual and financial freedom.
STEP 7: After your story breaks, prepare for Co$ goons to attempt to sully your reputation. They'll do anything to divert the attention you are getting. Keep yourself surrounded by others, and think about hiring a body guard.
STEP 8: Prepare to be a hero. You'll have a lot of new admirers and, more importantly, lots of offers for work. Take anything you can get as other actors in your position likely will follow suit and your novelty will only last so long.
GOOD LUCK.

Monday, April 17, 2006

The Huell Howser Drinking Game

I love the Huell. He's even got an entry on Wikipedia. I enjoy him so much, in fact, that I have invented a drinking game to be played when watching any of his programs, such as "Road Trip With Huell Howser" or "California's Gold."
Every time Huell says "wwwwwooooowwwwww..." drink. Not just a "wow" but "wwwwwwwwooooowwww." You'll know it when you hear it.
Every time Huell says something obvious, drink. Example: "So the people of the town would bring their mail right here to this post office?"
And every time Huell addresses his cameraman, drink. Example: "Hey, look at this [Luis/Troy/Cameron]."
(OK, I'm not actually suggesting anyone try this as it likely would put 'em in the hospital!!)

Friday, April 14, 2006

One crusade at a time


I'm simplifying my life. I've gotten rid of a few Web sites I never took care of and just going for a nice, plain blog. And it's FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. When I have something to say that has some "gravity," I'll be back. But right now, I've got soup on the stove and I'm hungry, folks. See you in a bit.